Just who does this madcap, zany, completely hatstand creature think she is? Why does she wear those skirts? Does she think she's a girl or something? And is there any cure? Well, let's face it, there's something inexplicably different about her - 10 things, in fact, that out useless team of rubbish investigators have unearthed from the refuse tip of sordid computer journalism. Kati once had a fight with a pound of bacon - after ten rounds, the bacon won out on points. Since then, she has been a vegetarian. Our far out girly opinion merchant cuts the heads off dogs, puts them on spikes and feeds them to the pigeons which hang around ZZAP! Towers. Then she cuts the heads off the pigeons and feeds them to Maff. The one they call 'stupid' once tried to add 2 + 2 and got 1,893,465!!!! Kati is a girl (ie, one of them things that's different from boys). The offensive Hamza creature is often seen hanging around Ludlow's vast Roman sewer-system, counting the number of dead rates and faeces that float by. Kati Hamza's name rhymes with the words 'Fatty Hamza' - but she isn't fat in any way (unlike the Editor). If you rearrange most of the letters in Kati's full name you get the anagram, 'Ha! I am Tarzan'. Kati's previous boyfriends include Johnny Telegraph-Pole, our own Ken D Fish and Eric Smallbottom. Kati's favourite joke is 'Why did the koala bear fall out of the tree?' but she can never remember the punchline!!