Oh God! There's a huge, blubbery lard-ass coming this way! Aaaaaargh! Oh no - it's OK - it's only ZZAP!'s sheep-loving, half-human answer to the EEC butter mountain, Gordon 'Don't call me fat or I'll kill you' Houghton. But is there a man behind the cliche? Is there a sensitive, caring human being beneath those rippling rolls of reconstituted pork? Does this obese, suety human pudding have a story? Well, no - but listed below are 10 facts (all true) which our crack team mangaged to uncover about him before being crushed to death. He was the model for the Ewok village. His hobbies include collecting china thimbles, silk flowers and wax fruit. Gordon's father was a barrage balloon in the Second World War. He's fat. The well-upholstered Behemoth almost completed a YTS course as a sheep, but was expelled for ravaging a sheepdog. He is happiest when at home with Rasher, Gammon and Oyster, his pet pigs. Five things that Gordon has been mistaken for: Australia; the Queen; an Editor; Bobby Charlton; Paul Glancey. His most vicious act was to kidnap and skin alive Paul's dog, Banana. Our token office overweight freak's average meal includes three chickens, 18lb of chips, 23lb of assorted vegetables and a gallon of gravy - all washed down by six gallons of beer! Three of his abitions: to be God; to host Blue Peter like his hero, John Noakes; to grow gills and become a pilchard.