A VIS FAN WRITES (Sept 88) Dear Lloyd/Katie, The other day my friend and I went out to buy a game on disk, from Boots. After standing at the counter for six days, we both agreed that the service was a bit slower than usual. Imagine our surprise as we realise we had actually been standing in a supermarket in Glasgow, over three hundred miles away! Luckily we both saw the funny side! I M A Liar, Margate, Kent P.S. While we're on the subject, something rather amusing happened to my dog a couple of days ago, if anyone would like to hear about it, send an SAE and I would be happy to tell them about it. What amusing dog stories have you got to tell? £10 for the best. LM A POIT RIGHTS (Oct 88) Dear Lloyd, In times before When computers were little more Than a box and a paddle called 'Pong' The people grew weary And the magazines dreary, We all pondered on where we'd gone wrong. To the programmers' delight New machines shone bright With enormous 4 kilobytes to squander, Space Invaders would appear and the multitudes did cheer, "Hooray, of the game we're fonder." ZZAP! 64 soon came And it drew worldwide acclaim With readers from a full range of ages, From its comprehensive reviews To its informative news Which abound in the colourful pages. Now 16-bit is the rage With the Amiga at the centre stage And in ZZAP! Amiga Action is of interest With all this and more In ZZAP! 64 It's no wonder that you mag is the best. Derrin Proctor, Mudgee, Australia. Thanks for writing to the Rrap But I think your poem's a load of crap. LM MR LOGIC WRITES (Nov 88) Dear Lloyd, Not being a person to fuss over minor cock-ups (?) I have never felt the urge to write in to ZZAP! And complain. Until now. Way back in Issue 53, wee Paul Galncey joined the ZZAP! Crew. Big deal! He was born in a canoe in Lake Michigan. Cor blimey! He was never been to America. Lake Michigan is in America. Weird. When he joined he was 18. His birthday was on May 12 so he is now 19. He was born in 1976 which makes him 12. I hope that was just a printing error. Andrew Head, South Humberside. Your parents have obviously omitted to inform you of one major aspect of life. Have you ever lookedall the way down that great expanse of checked Millets shirt, down those corduroy trouser legs, right down the very soles of your Adidas sneakers and thought there was something wrong? Well, Andrew, don't get too worried about it, but that missing link is a sense of humour. John Noakes has one, so why haven't you? Send your mother out to get one straight away. LM HIYAAA! NYGAAAA! WAGH! (Feb 89) Dear Lloyd (the man with no face), It's great to see some new reviewers, but could you tell this Kati Hamza person to calm down a bit? Since she arrived at ZZAP!, she's been obsessed with words like HIIIYAAAA! AAAARGH! MNGGGGH! YEEEEEHA! WEYHEY! YIPEEE! And other words that are equally unpronounceable. When she's not tussling with multiloads and jigging around the office, she's impersonating four-legged Dutchmen in penguin suits. I suggest you sit her down in a quiet corner, give her a mug of Horlicks, keep her away from PG, and play Cliff Richard records (zzzzzz). If this fails, then send a stamped addressed envelope with £400 worth of empty banana skins, to Dr Roof, Hyperactive Dept, for 1ml of Dr Roof's Calm-U-Down lotion (complete with syringe). Please allow 28 months for delivery. A concerned reviewer analiser, Thornbury, Bristol. Well, we've tried but we just haven't been able to get her off the roof since she won the challenge. Send the lotion and syringe immediately. LM I HAVE COMPLETELY MADE UP THIS LETTER (June 89) Dear Lloyd, I have completely made up this letter because I am stupid. Do I win a prize? R 'Brucie' Bennet, Evesham. No. LM	PILCHARD OF THE MONTH (Nov 88) Dear Mangram, I enjoy reading my copy of ZZAP (I think that its name any way) but up untill now it has become crap because of PG alias Paul Glancey, (what a wanker) his ugly baby face pops up and generally pisses everybody off. So please sack the little wanker or I won't be purchasing ZZIP no ZZAP any more. Thanks. Signed Steve P.S. I think you realise that I don't like him very much thank you for your cooperation. Congratulations! After ten years of trying you've finally got your name in print - and what an achievement, what can I say? Well nothing really. I think I'll leave it up to the subject of your prize-winning letter himself - PG. LM (Thanks for your straight-from-the-shoulder opinion, Steve, but no-one here has taken your quaint remarks to heart, least of all myself. If only you'd included your full address, I could have rewarded your honesty by sending you a little something - like a read rat. I'm sure you could have been great friends.) PG A VIS FAN WRITES II (Dec 88) Dear Lloyd, I saw this game in my local computer shop. It was called Big and Bouncy and it looked quite good, so I went in and bought it. When I got home I tried to fit it in my tape deck. I called my mum up to see if she could get it to fit. When I showed her she called me a pervert and whacked me round the back of my head. I couldn't believe it until I realised that it was a porno mag! Stewart Campion, Stevenage, Herts. P.S. If you send me all of the games you have received over the past 3 months I will send PG my copy of Big and Bouncy. When we first got our Amiga, Maff accidentally tried to out Paul into the disk drive. It was only through the intervention of Gordo who noticed that his trousers were the wrong colour - brown - that we managed to save the drive. Phew! Luckily we all saw the funny side. LM SLOBBER (Jan 89) Dear Lloyd, SLOBBER Yours sincerely, Matthew Pegg, Australia BLEUCH! LM SLOBBER II (March 89) Dear Lloyd, SLOBBER II: the awakening. Arthur Jones, Lincolnshire. Bleuch II: the reply. LM SLOBBER III (May 89) Dear Lloyd, SLOBBER III: The Revenge. Kevin Bain, Ayrshire. Death Threat III: No more slobbers, please LM A VIZ FAN WRITES 3 (Feb 89) Dear Lloyd, What a con these so called 'computer' magazines are. The other day I purchased one of these 'computer' magazines and took it straight home. After eleven unsuccessful attempts to load Hawkeye into it, I decided to take it back to the shop. Imagine my surprise when a shop assistant pointed out that a computer magazine was in fact a publication containing relevant information about the latest computer hardware and software, and not something for playing games on! How many other readers have been conned by these so called 'computer' magazines? Conned, Fulchester. A death warrant has been served on the author of this letter. Any more Viz-style letters will be similarly delt with. LM VERYLONGANDSILLYWORDITIS (May 89) Dear Lloyd, Pneumonoultramicroscopic- silicouolcanocoiosis. Paul Bradley, Grainsborough. Floccinaucinihilipilification. LM	BANANAS ARE TOTALLY STUPID (Dec 88) Dear Lloyd, In ZZAP! Rrap the section on bananas, Issue 42, was totally stupid and had nothing to do with games, computers or ZZAP! itself. I feel the Rrap section should be about either constructive criticism or something to do with the computer world. This is my first ever letter to ZZAP! I hope you will print it, take the criticism, and note my ideas. Barry Latcham, Crook, County Durham. Actually, computers have an awful lot in common with bananas. Neither bananas or microchips contain any fat at all - if you ate a computer chip you'd be taking in at least 100 calories (just like a banana) and if you put a computer on the floor you could easily slip on it. Computers look rather nice when arranged in fruit bowls, and are yellow (if you paint them); the important bit of a computer is on the inside - just like a banana; and you could probably skin a banana with a screwdriver. Ah, I feel a song coming on: Deo, mise deo,,, Daylight cum and me wan go whoam; Mise de, mise de, mise de (we have to interrupt this transmission of Housewives' Choice. Unfortunately, our solo singer Mr Lloyd Mangram, is rolling around on the floor with a chicken leg up his nose telling jokes about fish.) LM SOMEONE LIKES PAUL GLANCEY! HOORAY! (Jan 89) Dear Lloyd, My brother (CJ) always buys your ZZAP! magazine and I, being his sister, always read it. I reckon your magazine is no very rubbish, ie. Pretty brilliant. Anyway, while checking out your ZZAP! Rrap, I came across a letter from a certain Steve who really did PG in. PG happens to be one of the main reasons I read your mag, cos I happen to think he's pretty damn gorgeous. He is lovely, funny, charming and sexy. Ms Rocky Jay II P.S. I am not mad, blind or mentally distrubed. And I wonder if Steve the MF has a reply to my letter. I rest my case. Brilliant, Rocky Jay, best joke I've heard in years. I only stopped laughing when Gordo hit me over the head with a salami and my attention was distracted momentarily by the arrival of a massive flying pig. Erm, if Steve retaliates we'll be happy to print his reply. LM PILCHARD OF THE MONTH (Jan 89) Dear Kati, Just think of it - me and you, sat by a fire (or radiator, whichever you think is more picturesque), getting strange ideas from my Barbarian poster, and playing a bizarre little pastime I invented called 'Dip-'em-in.' Anyway, Kati, the main reason I wrote to such a brilliantly attractive person as yourself was to see if you needed a penpal. I'm warning you - refuse and I'll jump off a cliff tied to an elephant doused in petrol with some nitro-glycerine stuck in my pants. Yours seductively, 'Captin Zapp' alias Kieren Trinder P.S. Gis a mention - even if it does cost you 'yer job. I've got your picture stuck on my bedside - give you a guess wot I do with it. Write back soon. Well, you made it - straight from humble roots to centre stage. The man with this month's fragrant, scaly and very shiny Pilchard of the Month award. Wooh! And now we hand over to Kati. LM (What a thought! Unfortunately, it seems our love was never meant to be. Judging from the quality of your handwriting you're just not my kind of guy. Maybe when you've finished Kindergarten we can get together sometime - but I doubt it. In the mean time you could always try playing a really nice game - put those sticks of nitro-glycerine in your underpants AND LIGHT THEM. See ya.) KH EAT THAT ZZAP! 2 (June 89) Dear Lloyd, I didn't eat Issue 45 the other day, I ate a vintage Issue 24 and thought it tasted bloody disgusting - too sour. Rob Purvis, Jersey.