!Disclaimer! - Don't feed lemons to cats. You could probably try and feed a cat to a lemon, but fruit has no power of mastication or digestion of complex food sources.

Nick is often complaining about people 'half-hearing' what he says and complaining about it. Read the next example, and you'll see that he's actually quite justified in his belief that so many people do this... The call that was mis-heard was about pornography, and the excerpt that concerns us is :

Caller: ...I'm very open about pornography and I'm not praticularly interested in it but, you know, what ever people want as long as it's not...

Nick: ..as long as the participants are willing and they're over 16 or whatever.. or whatever the law is in this count.. probably about like 50..

Caller: ..the kind of pornography they were talking about was the kind that customs officials were saying 'yes, this is the kind of stuff we would do major busts for, and they actually televised the busts.

Nick: Well quite right too! I mean, you're taking advantage of little kids and nobody in their right minds would think that was right. But it's just like the kind of general.. erm.. sweeping attitude we have in this..

Caller: ..oh yeah, I think the British are very uptight..

Nick: (laughs) Yeah! Apart from the Arabic countries, we have got to be one of the worst in the world..

Caller: ..well the Americans are getting a bit strange..

Got that??? Right. Now comes Mr.Cloth ears.....

Nick: Belfast

Caller: Hello, good morning.

Nick: Hello, good morning.

Caller: How are you?

Nick: allright

Caller: OK. Just before midnight you made a very sweeping statement..

Nick: what was that?

Caller: err.. there was a gentleman caller on..

Nick: ..doesn't sound like me!

Caller: ..and you were talking about pornography and how adult people can turn it off and watch it if they want to.

Nick: Can turn what off?

Caller: They can turn the video off, they can turn the television off anything they want if pornography comes on the screen.

Nick: Did I say that? I don't think so.

Caller: yes, you did. What this chap said was, that what he objected to was having children in pornography..

Nick: yeah

Caller: ..and you agreed with him, and I totally agree with you, it's totally wrong, but then you said 'well, it depends what Arab country it comes from' What did you mean by that?

Nick: (Laughs) I said what? See, I don't know what station you're listening to but this is Virgin 1215...

Caller: ..I know, and I'm listening to 1215..

Nick: ..right!

Caller: ..you brought the Arab people into it..

Nick: Yeah..

Caller: ..in a big sweeping statement as if to say 'Well if you want child pornography in videos, then you must get a tape made in the Arab countrys!'

Nick: Oh yeah, right! That's what I said, right!

Caller: So, why did you say that?

Nick: (laughs) Listen sir, I did'nt say anything of the kind. I'm going to send you some Q tips in the mail, OK? Wait for a package at you door! [hangs up]

Let's compare the two again, shall we?

caller 1 said: ..oh yeah, I think the British are very uptight..

Nicks reply: Yeah! Apart from the Arabic countries, we have got to be one of the worst in the world..

And the complainee heard: well, it depends what Arab country it comes from and Well if you want child pornography in videos, then you must get a tape made in the Arab countries!

* * * *

This next call is dedicated to MERLIN. ;)

Nick: Pontypridd

Caller: Hello Nick, how are you?

Nick: (mimics Welsh accent) Fine

Caller: Good, fine. Right, well talking about organs is some relevance, I suppose

Nick: yes..

Caller: A couple of weeks ago I was listening to your program, well I listen to it most nights actually, but anyway a couple of weeks ago there was someone on refering to Welshman and sheep. I don't know if you remember it?

Nick: Umm.. [cautious silence] Uh-hmm.

Caller: ..whether they are compatible in some way or another. Just to enlighten a few people about it, actually. On the bank holiday Monday now (Note - coincidence, huh?) where I'm living, there's erm.. a beer barrel race, and the winner of the race gets the pick of the best looking sheep...

[silence, Nick giggles nervously]

Caller: erm... second and third get second and third get second and third obviously.

Nick: Now wait a minute, what do they get to... pick the sheep.. for?

Caller: I'm just getting to this, actually. After the first, second and third have picked their sheep, then there's a stampede. Everybody goes mad for the sheep, because nobody wants to get an ugly one, obviously.

[Nick laughs]

Caller: you know. So um.. anyway, you can imagine then, with the Welshman, the wellies and.. whatever. Erm.. it's a bit awkward sometimes, actually, because it depends on your build. When you stick the sheeps feet down inside the wellingtons it's a bit difficult to get the sheeps head round to..

Nick: I DON'T think we want to hear *this!* [fader]

REMINDER : FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT NICK ABBOT VISIT *ANDREW ACES* OFFICIAL NICK ABBOT HOMEPAGE AT:

http://www.compura.org/nick-abbot

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|Trevor (not Trevor),|sad anorak archivist|archive@prioryv.demon.co.uk|