!Disclaimer! - I found a life, but lost it again, so here we go...

Nick: West Ham

Caller: 'ello mate, yeah? Kebab 'ere, yeah? Everyone going on abaht the bible tonight, yeah? D'you know what I fink is wrong with this nation, the reason why we're all screwed up? It's childrens progammes, right? If you study childrens programmes, they are evil, they've got problems, right? Take 'Rainbow', for instance, right? There's a bloke called Jeffrey in it, who walks around with a limp wrist, and he wears red flares and he talk to little animals with zips... (giggles) sorry, my friends... (bursts into maniacal laughter)

Nick: (hangs up) Uh oh. Well, we're slipping, aren't we?

* * * *

Nick: ESSEX!

Caller: Greetings! and I've been offended by your screener because he thought I was on drugs or something..

Nick: Rrrrrreally?

Caller: Anyway, I'm phoning up on behalf of a friend of mine. I've got this penfriend who lives in Hereford and... he's got an imaginary aardvark that lives in his head. Called Boris. And he's gone missing! (SFX : 'WHAAAAT?') and he's like really sad and lonely. Without him. And so we want people to like... if they find Boris, direct him back to Hereford.... so have you seen him, or what?

Nick: Seen what?

Caller: Boris.

Nick: Boris the aardvark.

Caller: We thought he might have been kidnapped or something? Y'know, is there a sort of.... y'know, trade in kidnapping aardvarks?

(SFX : Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn Hangs up)

* * * *

[Discussing 'dinomania']

Caller: but..but you can break free of this, but people must realise that these monsters.. they're.. they're sinister, they're evil because.. they didn't exist they are... a creation created by Satan in order to.. corrupt minds and to dispute the words of the bible.

Nick: Right. So Stephen Spielberg...and erm.. Hollywood.. is..

Caller: Hollywood is a tool, Hollywood is is is is Satans tool, it's a long time since anything good has come from Hollywood.....

Nick: ..and, uh, can I ask you a question? Can I ask you a question? Are you 'God's tool'

Caller: Yes, I am.

Nick: Yeah, you sound like a complete tool to me (hangs up)

* * * *

Nick: Edinburgh

Caller: Hi, Nick, how are you doing?

Nick: Allright.

Caller: yeah, listen. I used to work in a garage, right man?

Nick: O.K.

Caller: And.. uh.. I used to stick the keys up the boy from Canada's bum? And he used to tell me what make the car was! [Cut off]

Nick: (Laughing) Whhoooaah!! He did *WHAT*? What did he say? If he said what I *think* he said....

* * * *

Nick: ..cause it's pretty funny reall, when you think about it.

Caller: Yeah, I think so.

Nick: Especially the way youy do it!

Caller: Yeah, especially Kenneth Williams, because um.. he had his life story in one of the papers, and he was quite a raging pervert really..

Nick: A 'raging pervert'? What makes you say that???

Caller: Well, 'cos like, y'know, he was gay basically...

Nick: ..that makes you a 'raging pervert'?

Caller: ermm.. in my mind, yes.

Nick: Really? Well I think that makes you a raging _ARSEHOLE_. Don't you _EVER_ call this show again...

REMINDER : FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT NICK ABBOT VISIT *ANDREW ACES* OFFICIAL NICK ABBOT HOMEPAGE AT:

http://www.compura.org/nick-abbot

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|Trevor (not Trevor),|sad anorak archivist|archive@prioryv.demon.co.uk|