!Disclaimer! Yes! Nick it! But credit me, or I'll break your legs. Today we break away from looking at Nicks Bit's in the phone in department, and stare at the pond life and freaks that made the show so unmissable. Bring on the clowns! And shoot them at close range!

Nick: Manor Park.

Caller: Hello there.

Nick: Yeah..

Caller: You see Nick, when I was just a nipper, I was given a slipper - a special one in a league of it's own. It was polka-dotted green, with a shine of Mr. Sheen and a sole made of compressed orange foam. Fireproof, of course. Now what I'm driving at here, right? Is our family's had a major kerfuffle, over the conundrum of actually what the popes taste in music is? You know? Ever since we heard that song.. 'New York, London, Paris, Munich - everybody talk about.. pope music.' You know? I was wondering what your opinions are on the popes tastes in rock n' roll.

Nick: Well, I wish I had the faintest idea what it was you're talking about because it's like, maybe I'm just not up to your speed at the moment, and I think 'speed' is the operative word in this case, but you seem to be talking at like 1000 miles an hour. It was almost like getting in the cogs of a machine, it was spinning so fast I could barely get into what you were talking about, so half of what you said went by me and it's like 'oh, wait a minute, I'm supposed to be paying attention now!'

Caller: Right, well you know that song, you know?

Nick: What one?

Caller: Sho-be-do-be-do-wop bop-bop-boo-wop everybody talk about.. pope music?

Nick: (bemused) Yes!

Caller: Well, we're arguing within ourselves, me nan especially, over what the popes taste in music is. I mean, she thinks it's Napalm Death..

Nick: ..by 'M-People', wasn't it?

Caller: What, 'Pope Music'

Nick: Yeah, by 'M-People', wasn't it?

Caller: What, and he's talking about the pope?

Nick: ..or E-people in your case, I think. or something..

Caller: E or M... or anything you like, yeah!

Nick: Yeah. Just as long as it's nearby, anything you like!

Caller: yeah? Right. I'm in a band called 'Bugger Sod', and we're quite crap.

Nick: Yeah, I don't doubt it for a second! [Hangs up]

* * * *

Nick: Oxford!

Caller: Yeah..er.. are ya speakin to me?

Nick: Sounds like it.

Caller: Yeah.. I was ta.. I were. I was really waiting for Allah, here..

Nick: (mumbles) Oh, this voice..

Caller: hmmmmm...

Nick: Hello?

Caller: Hello?

Nick: yes.

Caller: er...

Nick (mumbles) : I've got a bad feeling about this one..

Caller: Do you know that beer in Chzech Republic cost only about 15p?

Nick: See, I knew right off the bat that it was like... uh-oh!

(Silence, radio delay in background)

Nick: Hello?

Caller: Hello?

Nick: yeah?

Caller: Helllooo?

Nick: Helllooo?

Caller: yeah!

Nick: Yeah.

Caller: Do you know that the beer in..

Nick: Hellooo?

Caller: YEAH?

Nick: Hello?

Caller: Hellooo (entranced by delay of 'hellos')

Nick: Hello?

Caller: (organ music) Can you hear me?

Nick: No! You're fading, you're getting fainter!

Caller: Hellooo?

Nick: Hello?

Caller: Can you hear me?

Nick: No. (silence) yeah, whadda you want?

Caller: What do I want?

Nick: Well, I've a suggestion of what you _need_! (hangs up) Was I being cruel and unkind? I DON'T THINK SO!

* * * *

Nick: Hello sir,

Caller: Hello Nick, I've just got a follow up to that Stuart Copeland thing, about what hes doing today but, first of all, is it possible for you to send me a signed photograph of yourself?

Nick: Yeah, what you've got to do is just write in and give us what your address is?

Caller: ..yeah, it's just because Stuarts on my toilet now and he need something to wipe his arse on, you know?

Nick: Yeah, right.

(Racous laughter in background)

Nick: Well it comes in really thick cardboard..

Caller: That's good, that's great because, you know, he's got a bit of diarrhoea..

Nick: I'll send you a couple, OK?

Caller: Right, thanks a lot! Stuart will be eternally gratefull! Thanks a lot Nick, goodbye!

Nick: Yeah, you could roll it up and stick it up your.. nose, that be a good idea?

* * * *

Caller: (Quivering, psycho voice) I'd like ta say something.. All reet mate? How's things?

Nick: Pretty good.

Caller: I'd like ta say something, I'm a femenist, right?

Nick: (Unsure) Yeah..

Caller: ..and I'm in a band..

Nick: (Bursts into barely concealed laughter) yeah?

Caller: ..and I want a female drummer, for backing vocals.

Nick: Right. Ok, well the best of luck!...

Caller: right...so..if anyones interested in this area (details)

Nick: Hey, didn't you do this before?

Caller: Yeah, I think we did..

Nick: (Pissed off) Right well the best of luck, mate!

Caller: And another thing..

Nick: ..yeah I'm so sure.

Caller: That guy from Birmingham, man, he's gonna miss tommorows show. Hope it's a good one, right enough..

Nick: Definitely..

Caller: ..it better be, or else I'm gonna come round and cut your boll.. (Fader)

Nick: Err.. See! I knew that there was something in there, just that voice, I knew that I would have to dump him sooner or later.

* * * *

COMPETITION UPDATE! So far, I have recieved 3 wrongly addressed emails that made no sense. It is possible to answer. Clue - the caller is a regular contributor to this ng!

REMINDER : FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT NICK ABBOT VISIT *ANDREW ACES* NICK ABBOT HOMEPAGE AT:

http://www.compura.org/nick-abbot

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|Trevor (not Trevor),|sad anorak archivist|archive@prioryv.demon.co.uk|