Greetings to one and all,

The following transcripts are from Virgin 1215 in 1994 (I think) when Nick asked listeners to send in 'Teeny problems' cut out from teenage magazines, Nick would then read these on the air and rip the piss completely.....

Letter: I really like this boy who goes to my school and I have tried to chat him up loads of times. The first time he just smiled and said he didn't want a girlfriend, then the next time he just said no. Now when I ask him out he just ignores me. I really love him so why can't he see that ? I just know we would be so great together.
Nick's reply: Yeah try dropping to the floor, attaching yourself to his knees and scream until he says he loves you - It works for me !

Letter: Can you get pregnant from anal sex ? My friend says you can but I'm not so sure, please tell us the truth.
Nick's reply: Yes you can but the baby is likely to grow up to be a television game show host.

Letter: I'm a 16 year old girl and have fallen in love with a 20 year old man. The problem is that he's jewish and I'm not.
Nick's reply: O.K. don't worry about this circumcision thing, after all it's no skin off your nose.

Letter: My boyfriend absolutly refuses to buy condoms as he says they're far too expensive but he seems to have money for other things like football. I know it's dangerous to have sex without them so what can I do ?
Nick's reply: O.k, tell him it's a back and forth game of two ends and if he wants to score then he'll have to come in full kit.

Letter: What does it mean when a boy 'comes' during sex and how long does it take before he does ?
Nick's reply: Much longer than it takes for him to leave afterwards.

Letter: I'm a 13 year old boy and have a worrying problem. I know it sounds stupid but I think I'm addicted to Masterbating. I masturbate twice a day sometimes and almost certainly every day. Sometimes when I come only a small amount of sperm comes out and my Testicles hurt (laughs).
It is o.k. to read this isn't it ? Listen, if they can print this stuff in teenage magazines then I can say it on the air. I hope that Mary Whitehouse is listening to this, has a heart attack and drops dead right on the spot.
I don't feel like I could ever give up, I have tried stopping but it has never lasted more than a day. I really do want to stop but I can't and I can't talk to anyone as I would be far too embaressed. Please help, I am really desperate.
Nick's reply: What's the problem ? Listen I know the Pope, as screwed up as he is, would hate for me to say this but I do it all the time. In fact I tried to give up once - Worst eight hours of my life.