Caller: Hello.

Nick: Hello.

Caller: Yeah, can you tell me why after spending 2 hours tidying my flat up it looks twice as messy as when I started ?

Nick: Yes, you're obviously not using Flash (Scottish accent) 'It's a new thing..It's er no messing.

Caller: Really ?

Nick: Oh absolutly, you just spray it on and erm.. you can almost see your face in it afterwards.

Caller: Well I've been flashing all night and nothings happened.

Nick: (Laughs) Try leaving the house something will, trust me.

Caller: Oh yeah, I'll try that one. Yeah, I do it twice a week..

Nick: You clean your flat twice a week ?!?

Caller: Yeah.

Nick: What the hell for ?

Caller: I dunno. It's just that I clean my flat twice a week and there's more stuff going out that comes in every week.

Nick: Wait a minute, who do you live with ?

Caller: I live on my own.

Nick: You live on your own and you clean your flat twice a week !?!

Caller: I'm afraid I do, I'm a bit different.

Nick: You certainly are ! Can you clean your flat once a week then come over to my place and clean mine ? You know you won't go cold turkey or anything because you'll still be doing the same amount of cleaning but you'll be doing something worthwhile with your life.

Caller: Yeah, it just baffles me why I bring in a couple of carrier bags of stuff every week and I send out, you know, 4 or 5 binliners of stuff twice a week.

Nick: Well that's true, yeah. You know I threw out a load of stuff the other day and I thought maybe I should er.. 'cause you know when you catch Blue Peter or one of these programmes that always goes on about recycling and I thought maybe I should go through this stuff and recycle it but then I just thought no to hell with it let's just throw it away.

Caller: That's what I would say, stuff the recycling I prefer a tidy flat actually.

Nick: (Laughs) That's it sod the earth let's just get this crap out of here

Caller: That's right.

Nick: O.k. well good luck with your french polishing or whatever the hell it is that you're doing.

Caller: O.k.

Nick: I don't believe that, he lives on his own and he cleans his flat twice a week ? That's wierd. Wait a minute.. are you still there ?

Caller: Yeah.

Nick: Do you iron as well ?

Caller: Don't be stupid that's my mum's job.

Nick: (Laughing) O.k. Just checking.