Short Transcripts from Nick's Shows

[Caller sings a jingle for Nick.]
Nick: Oh you stopped. Just in time. I thought I was going to have to stop you because I didn't think it was ever going to end. I thought it was like a symphony you were giving here. Little short jingle is what I required. We had just like the 18-12 Overture, like a 15 minute long... what was that like the 12 inch dance mix? Shut up! I'm a bit busy at the moment, have to go, bye bye.
[Caller is nervous about their first plane flight]
Caller: It's the fear of the unknown.
Nick: No, it's the fear of crashing at 300MPH into the earth... Nick: Mobile, let's wipe this up quickly because it could fade away and disappear any moment now. A mobile on his way to Birmingham. [Shouting] Turn back now while you still got a chance!!
Caller: I can't mate, I gotta do it.
Nick [to Clint]: What's the deal with this computer? Now I can't get into this computer. What's going on with this?
Caller: Oh what noise do you want me to do now?
Nick: Er well, pretty soon you're going to have to sing the 'news-in' jingle because nothing works!!
[Nick ends up singing the jingle...]
Nick: Tomorrow I'm going to put like the best of the year on tape.
Caller: What are you going to do after 5 past 10? Nick: You like to watch the same thing over and over again?
Kev: It's like listening ot this show really, isn't it?
Nick: [Laugh] [Pause] You're fired.
Nick: Did you ever find yourself?
Mike: No, well, I went but I was out.
Nick: You should have called ahead. I tried to find my inner self once, I used both hands and couldn't come up with a thing. Nick: OK, listen, I gotta go.
Caller: Why?
Nick: Because you're not that interesting!
Caller: Oh bollocks to ya.
Nick: Bollocks to you too. [laugh]
Nick: I was in a porn film once.
Kev: Really?
Nick: Yeah, it was just a small part. Nick: Blimey, look how long this bloke has been waiting, nearly 50 minutes. Hello Dave? [silence] He's dead!
[A call from a woman who thought she was ringing Radio Norfolk]
Nick: Hello Hazel.
Hazel: Hello Nick.
Nick: Hello.
Hazel: May I wish you a very happy holiday and please don't go. I mean, don't finish. Any chance of you staying on?
Nick: Don't finish?
Hazel: Here, at Radio Norfolk. On Saturday.
Nick: What?
Hazel: Is it a wind-up?
Nick: Radio Norfolk?
Hazel: Oh, sorry. Radio... oh, Talk Radio. I do apologise.
[Nick plays WHAAAT effect]
Nick: Radio Norfolk?
Hazel: I'm sorry, I do apologise, dear. I mean Talk Radio.
Nick: In the twilight of my career perhaps, on Radio Norfolk. Nick: Have you ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with?
Kev: Err...err...yes.
Nick: Really?
Kev: Yes, but it was about three years ago.
Nick: With someone who works here?
Kev: No.
Nick: I don't know, you said no a bit too quickly there.
Kev: Actually, no, no...
Nick: I think we've uncovered something that we should delve into deeply
Kev: Don't make me call you Nicholas!
[Nick is playing 'Beside the seaside' music]
Nick: This sounds like your kind of music Hazel, because you're what, 90, 95?
Hazel: No, I'm 72!
Nick: So like I said.
Hazel: I'm 72, not 95!
Nick: Well, 72, 95 what's the difference?
Hazel: It's a lot!!
[Kev's Show Intro Bits]
Nick: We know what sort of people are out there, just listen to this show!
Caller: I'm actually in the bath at this present moment
Nick: In the bath???? What's up? Oh actually it's a very dangerous thing to say to someone who's in the bath, what's up? Nick: Would you like a jibberjabber?
Caller: Yeeeeeeeeeesss
Nick: You're beginning to freak us out now John
Caller: Could you like say hello to my wife?
Nick: Sure, what's his name?
Caller: Don't be wicked
Nick: That's what all the homeboys say about me, they say I'm _Wicked!!!_
[Nick and Kev talking about the film Forest Gump]
Nick: That is such a suck hole film, that is such a bad film, if I saw that film on a plane, I'd walk out.
Nick: Life is like a box of chocolates.
Kev: But it isn't, he says "because you never know what you're going to get" but if you open the box it is clearly displayed on the inside of the lid. [During a "What's Your Query"]
Caller: We want a shrubbery.
Nick: You want a what? I don't understand... this is my show and I don't understand what's going on here. You want a what?
Caller: Shrubbery.
Nick: A strawberry?
Caller: Shrubbery.
Kev: A shrubbery.
Nick: Oh, a shrubbery! You fool, man! 0500 1053 89...
Kev: Do you read the Sport?
Nick: Not really, just glance at it while shaking.
Caller: Right, I've got an update on Carol, why you can't get hold of her.
Nick: Carol the Griffin?
Caller: Mmm-hmm, I read in the paper that she's doing the Jack Docherty show on Channel 5.
Nick: I heard that, somebody told me and I didn't believe them. So, she'll come onto the set with loud studio applause, sit down in her chair, look around and say: [McGiffinator - "Right so what are we doing?"]
Caller: He hasn't got a dump button has he?
The Boss: Yeah, yeah, he's got a great big button.
Caller: Well, I'm not going to say anything rude.
The Boss: It's a huge red throbbing button actually.
Nick: Oh blimey! I'm going to have to dump the boss!! I don't believe it!
The Boss: No it is, it's a huge red throbbing button to ensure that he doesn't hit the wrong one.
Nick: Well, thank god it's not a knob, that's all I can say! [Scottie McClue recently did a one-off show on Talk Radio]
Nick: We had a lot of complaints about Scottie McClue.
The Boss: Well, actually we didn't have many. We had a wave of affection for Scottie and it's not what you expect.
Nick: We did?!
The Boss: Yeah, we were expecting a lot of people complaining but we only got a few complaints.
Nick: Did you get mine? [Laugh]
The Boss: I thought it was a bit of a give away when you signed it 'N. Abbot.'
Nick: [Whispering] Oh, damn it!
[Both laugh]
The Boss: You got a call a few weeks ago about you doing two radio shows on two radio stations.
Nick: I don't, do I?
The Boss: And er, people are always nervous about mentioning other radio stations on a radio station.
Nick: Yeah, I don't want to. I don't mention them here or here there.
The Boss: I know. But you were vergin' on the ridiculous.
[Nick and the boss laugh]
Nick: Thank you. [During a screenless session]
Timo: Log in now to www dot Nick Abbot dot com.
Nick: Oh that's right, all the freaks have got together and there's about half a dozen web sites that people who have absolutely nothing else to do.
The Boss: Yeah, I've heard about this.
Nick: And they've all teamed up and all just got the one address now for people who can't think in long numbers. It's www dot whatever he just said.
[And a bit later on during the same screenless session...]
Neil: I said no to drugs but they just wouldn't listen.
[They both laugh]
Nick: Kev, name me one famous person within 2 seconds, or I'll kill you.
Kev: George Formby.
Nick: Wha...?
DAKKADAKKADAKKA(*&$Ł^*"*(Ł"Ł Nick: OK and here's a call from Russell. Hello Russell.
[Silence]
Nick: Hello Russell?
[Pause]
[A slight shuffling sound can be heard from down the phone]
Nick: There's somebody there but, hello? [Pause] Wait a minute, is that a rustling sound I hear?
[More shuffling]
Nick: Oh my God, I can't believe it! A caller has phoned in, giving the name Russell, and all I hear is the sound of rustling. Ladies and gentleman, that *has* to be the best call I have ever had! And it says on my screen here a Russell wants to talk about surrealism!
Got something to add here?
Send it in!

Submissions by: Anni, Chris Barnes, BeaKer, CyberD, Colen 'Not Colin,' Lewis,, Richard, and Timo.

If you have a funny little bit to add, why not email it to me.

[Home]

[Caller sings a jingle for Nick.] Nick: Oh you stopped. Just in time. I thought I was going to have to stop you because I didn't think it was ever going to end. I thought it was like a symphony you were giving here. Little short jingle is what I required. We had just like the 18-12 Overture, like a 15 minute long... what was that like the 12 inch dance mix? Shut up! I'm a bit busy at the moment, have to go, bye bye.
[Caller is nervous about their first plane flight] Caller: It's the fear of the unknown. Nick: No, it's the fear of crashing at 300MPH into the earth...	Nick: Mobile, let's wipe this up quickly because it could fade away and disappear any moment now. A mobile on his way to Birmingham. [Shouting] Turn back now while you still got a chance!! Caller: I can't mate, I gotta do it.
Nick [to Clint]: What's the deal with this computer? Now I can't get into this computer. What's going on with this? Caller: Oh what noise do you want me to do now? Nick: Er well, pretty soon you're going to have to sing the 'news-in' jingle because nothing works!! [Nick ends up singing the jingle...]
Nick: Tomorrow I'm going to put like the best of the year on tape. Caller: What are you going to do after 5 past 10?	Nick: You like to watch the same thing over and over again? Kev: It's like listening ot this show really, isn't it? Nick: [Laugh] [Pause] You're fired.
Nick: Did you ever find yourself? Mike: No, well, I went but I was out. Nick: You should have called ahead. I tried to find my inner self once, I used both hands and couldn't come up with a thing.	Nick: OK, listen, I gotta go. Caller: Why? Nick: Because you're not that interesting! Caller: Oh bollocks to ya. Nick: Bollocks to you too. [laugh]
Nick: I was in a porn film once. Kev: Really? Nick: Yeah, it was just a small part.	Nick: Blimey, look how long this bloke has been waiting, nearly 50 minutes. Hello Dave? [silence] He's dead!
[A call from a woman who thought she was ringing Radio Norfolk] Nick: Hello Hazel. Hazel: Hello Nick. Nick: Hello. Hazel: May I wish you a very happy holiday and please don't go. I mean, don't finish. Any chance of you staying on? Nick: Don't finish? Hazel: Here, at Radio Norfolk. On Saturday. Nick: What? Hazel: Is it a wind-up? Nick: Radio Norfolk? Hazel: Oh, sorry. Radio... oh, Talk Radio. I do apologise. [Nick plays WHAAAT effect] Nick: Radio Norfolk? Hazel: I'm sorry, I do apologise, dear. I mean Talk Radio. Nick: In the twilight of my career perhaps, on Radio Norfolk.	Nick: Have you ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with? Kev: Err...err...yes. Nick: Really? Kev: Yes, but it was about three years ago. Nick: With someone who works here? Kev: No. Nick: I don't know, you said no a bit too quickly there. Kev: Actually, no, no... Nick: I think we've uncovered something that we should delve into deeply Kev: Don't make me call you Nicholas!
	[Nick is playing 'Beside the seaside' music] Nick: This sounds like your kind of music Hazel, because you're what, 90, 95? Hazel: No, I'm 72! Nick: So like I said. Hazel: I'm 72, not 95! Nick: Well, 72, 95 what's the difference? Hazel: It's a lot!!
[Kev's Show Intro Bits] Nick: We know what sort of people are out there, just listen to this show! Caller: I'm actually in the bath at this present moment Nick: In the bath???? What's up? Oh actually it's a very dangerous thing to say to someone who's in the bath, what's up?	Nick: Would you like a jibberjabber? Caller: Yeeeeeeeeeesss Nick: You're beginning to freak us out now John Caller: Could you like say hello to my wife? Nick: Sure, what's his name? Caller: Don't be wicked Nick: That's what all the homeboys say about me, they say I'm _Wicked!!!_
[Nick and Kev talking about the film Forest Gump] Nick: That is such a suck hole film, that is such a bad film, if I saw that film on a plane, I'd walk out. Nick: Life is like a box of chocolates. Kev: But it isn't, he says "because you never know what you're going to get" but if you open the box it is clearly displayed on the inside of the lid.	[During a "What's Your Query"] Caller: We want a shrubbery. Nick: You want a what? I don't understand... this is my show and I don't understand what's going on here. You want a what? Caller: Shrubbery. Nick: A strawberry? Caller: Shrubbery. Kev: A shrubbery. Nick: Oh, a shrubbery! You fool, man! 0500 1053 89...
Kev: Do you read the Sport? Nick: Not really, just glance at it while shaking.
Caller: Right, I've got an update on Carol, why you can't get hold of her. Nick: Carol the Griffin? Caller: Mmm-hmm, I read in the paper that she's doing the Jack Docherty show on Channel 5. Nick: I heard that, somebody told me and I didn't believe them. So, she'll come onto the set with loud studio applause, sit down in her chair, look around and say: [McGiffinator - "Right so what are we doing?"]
Caller: He hasn't got a dump button has he? The Boss: Yeah, yeah, he's got a great big button. Caller: Well, I'm not going to say anything rude. The Boss: It's a huge red throbbing button actually. Nick: Oh blimey! I'm going to have to dump the boss!! I don't believe it! The Boss: No it is, it's a huge red throbbing button to ensure that he doesn't hit the wrong one. Nick: Well, thank god it's not a knob, that's all I can say!	[Scottie McClue recently did a one-off show on Talk Radio] Nick: We had a lot of complaints about Scottie McClue. The Boss: Well, actually we didn't have many. We had a wave of affection for Scottie and it's not what you expect. Nick: We did?! The Boss: Yeah, we were expecting a lot of people complaining but we only got a few complaints. Nick: Did you get mine? [Laugh] The Boss: I thought it was a bit of a give away when you signed it 'N. Abbot.' Nick: [Whispering] Oh, damn it! [Both laugh]
The Boss: You got a call a few weeks ago about you doing two radio shows on two radio stations. Nick: I don't, do I? The Boss: And er, people are always nervous about mentioning other radio stations on a radio station. Nick: Yeah, I don't want to. I don't mention them here or here there. The Boss: I know. But you were vergin' on the ridiculous. [Nick and the boss laugh] Nick: Thank you.	[During a screenless session] Timo: Log in now to www dot Nick Abbot dot com. Nick: Oh that's right, all the freaks have got together and there's about half a dozen web sites that people who have absolutely nothing else to do. The Boss: Yeah, I've heard about this. Nick: And they've all teamed up and all just got the one address now for people who can't think in long numbers. It's www dot whatever he just said. [And a bit later on during the same screenless session...] Neil: I said no to drugs but they just wouldn't listen. [They both laugh]
Nick: Kev, name me one famous person within 2 seconds, or I'll kill you. Kev: George Formby. Nick: Wha...? DAKKADAKKADAKKA(&$Ł^"*(Ł"Ł	Nick: OK and here's a call from Russell. Hello Russell. [Silence] Nick: Hello Russell? [Pause] [A slight shuffling sound can be heard from down the phone] Nick: There's somebody there but, hello? [Pause] Wait a minute, is that a rustling sound I hear? [More shuffling] Nick: Oh my God, I can't believe it! A caller has phoned in, giving the name Russell, and all I hear is the sound of rustling. Ladies and gentleman, that has to be the best call I have ever had! And it says on my screen here a Russell wants to talk about surrealism!
Got something to add here? Send it in!